Confusion

I love you but…

In my school there was a cute-looking guy and tall. He was admired by every students. His style and look really seduced people. He may looked sociable but he was the most insensitive person when feeling was involved.

Every year when we were getting on our next grade, every students were moved to a different class with different home teacher and students.

On exact 2 years ago, this guy and I were on the same class on my third year of high school. All of my friends were separated and I barely knew anyone in my class.

I sat in the middle back of the class. A girl sat in front of me named Taylor and another one sat on my right named Brit. Taylor was the first one introducing herself to me and followed by Brit. They were friendly and funny. Well I was still uncomfortable but I soon get used to it and we became friends.

Times passed and we kind of became buddies, the three of us. We’re always together on group projects and stuff. Taylor and I were close enough so I invited her to eat lunch with me and my other friends. She wasn’t the type of social girl but when we connected, she talked a lot. She never had nothing to tell. She was basically our stories-teller. She was a great artist as well as Brit. But their style were not alike.

Brit had a boy best friend. She always had a crush on him since years ago but the feeling disappeared for a year and it was back when they were on the same class again. He and she were always together in school like 24/7. They were basically unofficial couple. So that became four of us.

Lets call him Joan for now.

One day on a group project at school, Brit, Taylor, Joan and I were sitting doing paper tasks. The class was a bit noisy for the reason it was a self-study, Joan and his friend were writing of the same desk behind Taylor. Brit got up and said that she was going to the bathroom. Taylor went along with Brit. Not long after they went out of the class, Joan’s friend turned his head to me and said that Joan told him about me and Joan. About him and I used to date. I wasn’t surprise but I didn’t expect Joan to tell him that. I kept a straight face.

Joan’s friend kept asking why we broke up, did we really date. I said I didn’t know that, I didn’t know this then suddenly he asked whether I would like to get back together with Joan someday. I shook my head over and over. Immediately Joan punched his friend’s back coding him to stop asking me. Joan didn’t look or even turn his head towards me not for a bit.

Since then, it got to my head. Joan was giving me an open hand. He was friendly towards me and asked me this and that and finally the feelings grew inside me. It kept growing until it hit me that he was Brit’s best friend and crush so I decided not tell anyone. Not even my best friend.

For awhile I didn’t feel guilty about liking Joan but I then became close to Brit. Closer than ever. Brit told me everything which made me felt more guilty as I had ever been before. She told me how she first met Joan and how she fell for him, how Joan treated her more than friends, the way he brushed her cheek every now and then. Then, whenever Brit chatted me about him, I was okay with it and I gave her advice if she asked for it. But after awhile, hearing those words broke me. I was suffocated.

At first I never wanted to like Joan not even thinking of becoming friends with him, at least not after the memories we had made in the past. After we broke up, we never talked to each other, no saying hi, no texting, no nothing. He brushed me off just like that. He embarrassed me.

I began stirring away from Brit since I realized I would for sure broke her heart if she found out about what was really going on. She never asked question about me or wondered why I was distant. For the same reason I stayed away from Joan.

Everything started to fall out of place.

Brit and I were no longer friends. Taylor kept gossiping about Brit and Joan about their problems which I couldn’t avoid. Joan complained on why I acted differently. Another girl was trying to get close to me for a specific reason.

I was overwhelmed. Gil, the girl that was getting close to me, liked Joan. She knew that Joan liked me and that was why she was friendly as hell. I didn’t know back then so I just played along. Soon we became friends although I never like her. I was wishing on a fresh start but I never expected this to happen.

One morning, I was in class. Gil went in and she was wearing a jacket. She usually never wear one. That jacket, I knew exactly whose jacket it was. From the color, the size, it was over sized for her. It was Joan’s. The thing was, Joan never lend his jacket to anyone except Brit. Seeing that jacket on Gil, murmured in class began. Rumor was heard that Gil and Joan were dating. I was so pissed, I didn’t talk to anyone the entire day. I could see Brit’s expression. She was tensed and angry and about to cry. In a moment I turned away my head from her because I felt the same as she felt. From that moment I gave up.

Finally last day of school arrived. My school had an event to close the semester. As usual I didn’t involve myself in sport along with my friends. We were just spending the entire 3 days doing nothing.

Me and my friend were walking around to get something to eat. As we walked back through the side of a field to where we left our bags, Joan came from behind. He got a hold of my hand which made me stop from walking. My friend kept walking and left me there. I looked down as he began to talk.

He said he was sorry for the troubles he had brought to me. I didn’t really remember for the most part of our talk because I was too concentrated on holding myself not to burst into tears. I couldn’t bare looking into his eyes. I kept on looking down. He said about lending his jacket to Gil and the rumor that they were dating were ways he did to make me jealous. Everything he did was for me. I almost slapped him for saying that.

I was disappointed on his behavior. I was disappointed on myself. I was mad at him for choosing me instead of Brit. I was mad at myself for liking him. I hate him for disappointing Brit and broke her heart into million pieces, for being the reason why Brit cried everyday after school, and for being a dick unintentionally.

Silence filled the moment for a few minutes. I didn’t know what to do.

I then built up the courage to turn around and faced him. I brought my heavy head up to see deeply into his eyes. He was hoping an answer. An answer that could solve all of this mess.

I just smiled and said it was nothing. I told him to forget everything then I walked away. Hoping to never see his face ever again.

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